Taxicab Upheaval?

Posted on July 3, 2012

Now I’ve heard everything-first stated as just an additional charge if it happened, local newscasters have mentioned that it is now illegal to throw up in a taxicab. I hope the cab companies start a campaign to warn their customers- “If Nauseous- Be Cautious!” or “Throw In a Tip- But Here’s a Tip-Don’t Throw Up!” Frankly, I’m surprised that vomit is the only bodily fluid that the law is keeping riders from depositing- if you’ve ever ridden in certain Chicago cabs, it isn’t unusual for the vehicle to smell like a poorly-maintained rest room. I’m sure there must already be a law against doing your (ahem) duty in a cab- then again, there’s a law against cab drivers talking on cell phones while driving, and we’ve seen how they comply with that law… I can just imagine how wacky pranksters will start fooling cab drivers with the old standard- fake vomit! Just as the driver is about to call the police, the jester retrieves his prop, and asks – “what vomit are you talking about?” Also- will it be illegal to pretend to vomit and just drop beef stew in the back seat? Shouldn’t cabs have taken a tip from the airlines a long time ago-and provided “barf bags” as part of their service? No muss, no fuss- no illegal spewing if it all ends up safely in a container. And- there’s another reason for the cabs to be maintained so that the windows open all the way-the pedestrians beware! My god, this is disgusting- I hope nobody is reading this while eating- we may have to pass a law regarding upchucking on your keyboard or monitor… Let’s move on to other things- PLEASE! Someone made a comment about my current coffin eventually being on display at Chicago’s Museum of Broadcast Communications- asking if, when the coffin resides there, if visitors will be able to have their picture taken while standing inside said set piece. Unfortunately- no. The whole reason we’re having a new coffin built is- this old one, now over 40 years old, having served both the original Sven and myself, is in pretty fragile condition. We do not encourage anyone to even attempt to OPEN the coffin, since the lid and hinges , as well as the coffin “body” (pardon the phrase) are all deteriorating- let’s face it , the WFLD stagehands who built the thing certainly had no idea that it would be in use for so many years- and never intended to make something that would last for decades. The fact that it IS still standing is a tribute to the late Bobby Walker, who did the main work on the coffin. I will guarantee you right now–the new coffin will NOT have to be in service for as long. Speaking of comments, one left by Glenn certainly made me laugh- his suggestion that there be a show called “Transylvanian Rehab”- with the Mummy as a tanna leaf addict, Dracula as a “blood-o-holic” and a peeping tom, Wolf Man having a multiple personality disorder (and possibly an addiction to Kibbles and Bits), and the Frankenstein Monster having depression and low-self esteem issues (that even electro-shock treatments don’t improve- in fact, that’s the one thing that makes him happy!) Glenn suggests that Dr. Jekyll, who has been through his own problems, could act as the “Dr. Drew” moderator and counselor. Good thinking, Glenn- maybe we can throw in the Creature from the Black Lagoon for his obsession with any woman who happens to swim by…and the Invisible man as an exhibitionist who’s depressed that no one can see what he’s exhibiting…

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 during show

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